Type: Slash
Summary: Hutch follows his elan vital to David's soul.
Episode Related: Fatal Charm
Categories: Hutch H/C, Pre-SR
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~4200
INNER MUSIC
by Vedette Ciel
A stuffy, uneventful day continued in the Metro police station squad room. Clock watching was not Hutch’s favorite pastime, even with his feet up. Stuck in the office until his partner finalized his paperwork was certain drudgery. Often it felt arid not being within Starsky’s attentions, but apparently it took all of his marbles to deal with the present task.
Poink! Hutch shot a crumbled pill ball of paper into Starsky’s typewriter, impatiently waiting for Starsky to finish his writing.
Starsky gave him a glare, "Hey! You’re gonna mess up my masterpiece."
Hutch leaned back in his chair. "Masterp--it’s just your report, Starsk. And at this rate, it’ll be covered in dust before you finish it."
Starsky fished the little clump out of the carriage. "Why don’t you occupy yourself with something useful, like cleaning your desk?"
Hutch took his feet off the blotter. "What’s wrong with my desk?"
"With the drawers in your desk. They barely open, there’s so much clutter in ‘em."
They often had these battles about neat versus slob. Hutch tried to pull a drawer open to no avail. "Yeah, well, at least I don’t have ketchup packets putrefying in my pencil tray."
Starsky turned. "They’re in reserve."
"For what, paint touch ups to the Torino?"
Starsky smirked, "Very funny, red tomato wisecracks."
Hutch finally got the second drawer to budge, then pulled it so hard, it fell out and spilled.
"See?" Starsky laughed.
Hutch patted around for the pile. "What’s the point of leaving them empty?"
"Well, at least reduce the 86." He opened his own side drawer with ease. "Maybe if you find room, you can have this."
Starsky reached over and handed a wrapping paper present to Hutch. Hutch startled. "Starsk-- what is this?"
"It’s an early birthday present."
Hutch smiled just a dite. "But I said I…"
"Which is why I’m ambushing you now, so you can’t complain when it gets close."
Hutch blushed and carefully placed it in front of him. "I’m not compl--, I’m, oh nuts, okay…." He looked up into genuine warm eyes, "thank you, partner." He started to get excited despite himself. "What is it?"
"Open it up."
He looked around the room. No one paying attention. "Here?" Starsky nodded like a kid. That always made Hutch smile for real. "Okay." Hutch pulled on the side tape with his graceful fingers, saving the paper. He pulled out what appeared to be some kind of magazines, or folders…
"It’s some lyric sheets, for guitar. Wow, there’s over three dozen here. These are expensive."
"So? You’re worth it. Besides, you know how to play."
Hutch perused the selection. Starsky had gone to a lot of trouble, picking material Hutch not only relished, but could learn at his level. Hutch looked up with every song title and smiled sheepishly. "These are beautiful."
Starsky beamed like a flash cube. "Check out the bottom part."
Hutch turned over the pile and checked out the last pages. There was a pad with about fifty pieces of blank music sheets. On the top it had been imprinted, with empty title lines, and a subscript, in cursive font:
Music by Kenneth Hutchinson
Hutch leaned back in a daze, flabbergasted. "Starsky, I don’t know what to say, no one ever…"
"…noticed you’re full of inner music. But you are."
Hutch had chills of nervous energy, he was cold from the thought Starsky may have heard him attempting to sing made up lyrics before, while he was warm from the emotion Starsky made him feel because he liked to hear him play.
Hutch gathered the pile that by its own propulsion was gently coddled to his chest with both arms. He looked up to his partner, his back rounded like an embarrassed but happy bird. He nodded and smiled a full wattage of eye twinkle, speechless. Starsky smiled too.
Starsky pulled the report out. "Let me pass this in, and we can go, ‘kay?" When he got to the door, he turned back to see Hutch rubbing his fingers across the embossed name. He sauntered into the hallway lighter than air.
~*~
Hutch was nearly a master at choosing healthy supplements for his shakes, but when it came to women, he let them blend him to a pulp. Once he met a lady, he let her lead him into whatever direction she chose. Unfortunately, the destructive type met with him way too often.
Such was the case with Diana Harmon. Within a few mediocre dates, Hutch had his wits stretched to the limit as to how to get her out of his life. After missing a six o’clock dinner he reluctantly agreed to, he entered his apartment to find the entire contents ravaged and destroyed. Hesitantly, he picked up a hanging plant, then walked to the remains of his most prized possession. Stunned, all he could muster as he hung his head was to say aloud, ‘Damn.’
Agitated and angry, he hoped talking to Starsky he’d find some solace. "Girl’s gotta be sick to do something like that."Starsky worked audaciously on his model ship. "I agree."
Hutch didn’t feel Starsky was getting it. "She needs help!"
"I agree with you. Look, there’s a roll of black thread in the second drawer of my desk…"
"Starsk…" Hutch barked.
But Starsky remained neutral. "Whatta ya gonna do, are you gonna want to take an APB out on her for vandalism? The thread, please…"
"She’s dangerous. Well, she shouldn’t be on the street!"
Starsky conceded. "Look, I’m no shrink, but, I'm thinking it’s a possibility she mighta worked out her aggression on your place tonight…"
They started at each other through the model ship’s rigging. Hutch shook his head dejected. He put his beer down and walked to the window. Starsky continued with his task. Little did his partner know, he was formulating how to help, what to say. More importantly, he was giving Hutch room to vent, without making him suffer anymore emotional intervention, he was pretty sure Hutch wouldn’t accept pity.
Hutch gazed into the darkness, glum and in pain deeper than Starsky understood at the moment. In barely a whisper, he confided, "It’s just…Starsky, she--she smashed my…the guitar."
Starsky lifted his head, and saw the blood drain out of his friend’s face. But before he could utter a sound, Hutch sighed fitfully and walked out. The headlights of the car backed away before Starsky had a chance to foster a refutation. Regrettably, he watched as the Ford disappeared.
The next day, with Huggy’s help, the three of them surveyed and cleaned the shambled remains of Hutch’s possessions. While installing a new lock on the door, Hutch felt relief when Starsky admonished Huggy for dropping the guitar’s carcass on the floor with little consideration for its meaning. Starsky said emphatically, ‘Huggy, you’re talking about a man’s heart!’ Continuing to work on door knob, Hutch the inside, Starsky the outer, the two moved the tumbler in unison, as if their hands, and minds had met. Hutch blinked in appreciation, meeting his eyes, eking out a smile. Starsky did care after all, he really did.
Within a week of healing up from the stitches it took to repair his arm injury, Hutch had been able to recover many similar items like those he had owned with assistance of another of Huggy’s cousins.
"Hamper Man?? That’s his name?"
"Hey, they don’t call him that for nothing, why he can make a derivative out of a primitive, if you get my drift! He can retrieve some of the finer things in life for little financial finesse!"
Hutch’s eyebrows were up. "You’re not going to make me wonder just where he finagles these finesses, are you, Hug?"
"Strictly legit, my man, I promise you that. Hamper’s gains are a mover’s remains, voluntary of course."
"Of course."
"Just check him out at his shop, he’ll even deliver."
Starsky tried to be encouraging. "Worth a look, Hutch. Your style ain’t exactly hard to match, being row cocoa and all."
Hutch winced. "Rococo, goofball."
"Worry not, he’ll have plenty of mish to match your mash." Huggy chimed, with Starsky chuckling along.
Between the both of them, all Hutch could do is slap himself and shake his head.
~*~
"Zebra three, signing out."Heading back to Metro, Hutch was glad it was Friday afternoon. Opening the window slightly, he welcomed the breeze. "Want to head to Huggy’s after I get my car, Starsk?"
"Can’t, remember? Uncle Al wants me to help him tow that ‘59 De Soto back to his garage, as his next restoration project."
"Oh, yeah, that’s right." Hutch was a little disappointed.
"I might not be back until after Rosie stuffs me with soup, crackers and cannoli."
"Sounds better than the special at the Pits."
Starsky looked at his partner and their eyes met. "I gotta call to make before I go, though. Maybe you can run an errand for me?"
Starsky’s smile was hard to resist, it always had a tingling warmth meant just for Hutch. "Sure. Guess I can do that. What is it?"
"Gotta make the call first." They turned into the station.
~*~
Hutch snuck into records to chat with Minnie while helping himself to her coffee, which was always better than the sludge that occupied the pot in the squad room. By the time he returned, Starsky was long gone. With only a lonely note left on his desk, Hutch was feeling a little blue, as often he would at the beginning of another weekend. Unlike his partner, sometimes the only local family tie that he had, that he wanted, was Starsky himself.
Before reading the note, Hutch opened his desk drawer and retrieved the package Starsky had given him for his birthday. He had brought home a few of the song sheets, and practiced them when alone every chance he had when no one was around. Those he had left at work, he often contemplated over fondly, humming the words in his head, mentally fingering the chords. It was a way to relax in between stressful moments, and a way to connect to his feelings, his affections, for Starsky.
Visualizing the demolition of most of his items, he was even more grateful he had chosen to leave this treasure at work. Spared from loss, it had become attached to his esteem, still fragile from the wrath of someone he had shared a bed with. Why couldn’t such an intimate act ensure no harm would ever come from what such arms embraced? He closed his eyes knowing a song was forming in his brain. He placed the dog-eared first page of the music paper pad on top of the pile again, like he had many times before. He reached for a pencil, then remembered where he was. No personal words here, it was, too foreboding, too dangerous. He didn’t think he could control what lead would bring to jotter. He was becoming aware no creative spark did not have his partner entwined in it, and would be as distinct as the bark of a Bassett hound in heat.
He opened the note.
Sorry I can’t be there, Hutch.
1072 East Waterbury.
They’re open ‘til 6. Ask for Danny.
S.
As the errand tugged him back into reality, Hutch returned his gift to the drawer and headed for the parking garage.
~*~
Locating the shop on East Waterbury, Hutch found it still occupied despite the traffic that delayed him. He walked in, wondering if this was another informant Starsky had rustled up from an old case he may have been on. The clerk came forward from the employee area behind the counter, welcoming him in.
"You must be Blondie."
Hutch was taken aback. Not the name Starsky used for him when on duty. Blushing, he smiled and shrugged at the same time. "Danny, is it?"
"Yeah, your friend told me you had real good looks. You sure live up to your name."
Starsky said that? Hutch chuckled shyly, not sure why he was here. "Uhh, I was sent to see you…"
"Yes, Mr. Starsky told me to have it ready. It’s out back. Just a sec."
Hutch stopped in his tracks and looked around. This was quite a fancy pawn shop, a very particular pawn shop, full of one-of-a-kind pieces, vintage tea sets, ivory statues, leather-bound books and antique lace. It didn’t seem like a place Starsky would linger in. Maybe he didn’t know this side of his partner, the thought intrigued him. Starsky was full of surprises, and here was another that delighted his heart.
Danny returned with an expensive hard-shell guitar case and opened it on the counter, in a flourished presentation. Hutch felt like he was crawling forward in slow motion.
"Well, you can hold it if you want, and try it out. It’s all paid for."
Hutch couldn’t get his feet to move. A silly snort came out, from embarrassment. Or was it shock. He placed his fingers on the neck, then on the strings, until he could feel the blood in his arms enough to lift it.
"It’s…amazing."
"Wait until I tell you who owned it. It belonged to session guitarist Larry Carlton, who’s done studio stuff for Vicki Carr, Andy Williams and the Partridge Family.""And the Fifth Dimension."
"Right, so you know who he is."
Hutch nodded, as he thought about the fact that Starsky knew Hutch owned his 1968 Uni album With A Little Help From My Friends.
"He’s known for his electric guitar mostly, but he’ll play anything, like this acoustic. Think he’s going solo these days. His manager sells me a few of his instruments, from time to time, when gigs get lean. It comes with all its history, on paper, plus an autographed letter with a picture of Larry using the guitar. I’ve had this awhile."
There was nothing more awe inspiring than to hold an instrument a revered musician had created on. The guitar was more worn than his had been, but it made it all the more endearing. And the workmanship of the instrument far exceeded the quality of what he had lost.
Hutch tried to shake awake his shellshock. "What do I owe for this, I mean, how much?"
"Like I said, already paid. Besides, Mr. Starsky wanted to be sure you wouldn’t find out. He told me if you asked to tell you ‘the music you make has no price.’" Hutch met his eyes with a thud. Danny grabbed the guitar before Hutch dropped it.
"You okay?"
Hutch tried to recover. " Ah, yeah, yes," clearing his throat, "yes I am. Just so --unexpected."
"You’ve got a good friend, I can see that. Let me get you a few picks and the extras, I’ll be right back."
Hutch stared at the case until it blurred from sight. What had he done to deserve this? In a spiritual thunderbolt, he heard Starsky’s voice in his mind say, "just because you exist." His stomach flipped. He dabbed his eyes quickly before Danny returned. Still shaky, they carried the idolized items to Hutch’s front seat.
Driving back to Venice, the cadence of the engine strummed a scant flutter of sound out of the strings from time to time, making Hutch’s heart skip a beat or two. The little tune vibrated as if it was coming from his vocal chords. It sounded like You, I love you. It was all rushing to fruition. And it was all so wondrously true.
~*~
It was later than he’d hoped, but Starsky was glad to have helped Uncle Al with his new project. The De Soto was in nice shape and was worth restoring. Aunt Rosie was true to form and had food made for an army, and couldn’t help herself packing some of her goodies for Hutch. Starsky drove back eager to get to Venice, and see how his partner made out retrieving his special gift.
For weeks, Starsky had been paying installments on the guitar, after feeling deeply for Hutch’s loss of the damaged one, especially because it had been with him for many years. Not having had the reaction Hutch needed the night he was told what happened when his apartment was destroyed compelled Starsky to escalate his efforts to show his partner he cared.
What Hutch didn’t know was how very much Starsky held dear everything his partner needed. The fundamental way to love Hutch was to pay close attention to his interests, then lead by example. Hutch still found it difficult to accept presents at traditional times such as Christmas or birthdays, much less so out of the blue, yet he constantly craved affection and attention. He just wasn’t aware of it, probably from being neglected as a child. But Starsky knew the affect his ministrations had on him since the day they met, and had attained a strong propensity of his own for Hutch in every aspect of his life.
The last few weeks they had talked about a lot of things, rearranging Hutch’s apartment, while Starsky hovered, making dinners, keeping him company. Some of the conversations had gotten pretty deep, considering the items Hutch had to replace, each had a memory to eulogize.
One evening, Hutch was particularly morose.
"What happens, Starsk, to a soul that can’t fall in love?"
"I don’t believe in that falling stuff. I think it’s more that they are found to, than made to."
Hutch contemplated uneasily, " …so how does it know?"
Starsky looked at the blond head, that stared at the floor, with empathy. "I think it suddenly speaks when the correlation happens, and says something profound."
"Doesn’t seem like that has happened, or ever will."
"When it does, they’ll be no doubt, Hutch."
Hutch looked up dismayed. "But…"
Starsky tilted his head tenderly. "Don’t worry. It’ll happen. It has to."
"But why?"
"…just because you exist."
Thinking about that conversation now, he hoped Hutch would understand the gesture of the surprise, and apperceive what Starsky already discovered, that they were meant for each other.
Starsky stopped at a neighborhood store for a six pack. As he approached the Venice area, he pondered amusingly how it went at the pawn shop, what Hutch’s face must have looked like when he first saw the guitar and its case. It had taken a while to find one that would be more than just a replacement, but unique. He would never tell, but he had planned for Hutch to pick it up by himself, and take time to adjust without rejecting the gift as too much.
He parked the car about a block away, and walked to the front of the building. As he climbed to Hutch’s apartment, gentle but hesitant chords were sloping down the stairway. Starsky intuitively sensed disturbing his friend would end the session abruptly. He was always entranced by Hutch’s talent; instinctively, he settled on the stoop, stretching his legs. He rested his back on the wall and listened.
~*~
Hutch sat comfortably on the sofa and ran his fingers on the fret. He had tuned the instrument for a few minutes, rather unnecessarily, for the guitar was exquisite in sound and design. Once his hands found their place, he initiated playing and singing, with a tune he knew would exercise its resonance and range:
Starry, starry night:
Paint your palette blue and gray.
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills.
Sketch the trees and the daffodils;
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Vincent, Don McLean, 1972
Starsky held his breath and waited for another chorus. Hutch provided only quiet. He began to mingle the chords on this verse with what sounded like a blend into another. All the while, Starsky’s mind drifted to the times he would ask him to constantly play this song, because he loved the details of the imagery, and the way the words fluttered off Hutch’s vibrato. He knew already that this private concert had to be chosen for him, because Hutch always started a session for him with this selection. The voice began again:
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with
Time in A Bottle, Jim Croce, 1973
Hutch stopped again. He sighed loud enough for Starsky to need to swallow. He almost missed the fact that Hutch was beginning to speak aloud.
"God, she’s beautiful. Just like you, Starsk. Just like how you make me feel…."
Baby I’m-a-want you, baby I’m-a need you
You the only one I care enough to hurt about
Maybe I’m-a crazy, But I just cant live without...
Your lovin’ and affection, Givin’ me direction
Like a guiding light to help me through a darkest hour
Lately I’m a-prayin’, That you’ll always be a-stayin’ beside me
Baby I’m-A Want You, Bread, 1972
Starsky was staring at the ceiling, holding his knuckles to his lips. Could he believe this was happening? That their souls felt the same things? Oh, Hutch, please let it be true. He wanted to barge right in and find out. But he couldn’t, shouldn’t. The strings began again, an instrumental verse, slow and sad. Hutch’s gentle tenor sang out:
And, yes, I know how loveless life can be.
The shadows follow me, and the night won’t set me free.
But I don’t let the evening bring me down
Now that you’re around me.
And I love you so.
The people ask me how,
How I’ve lived till now.
I tell them, I don’t know.
And I Love You So, Don McLean, 1976
"I don’t know how I’m ever going to have the courage to play what I wrote for you, Starsk." Starsky could almost feel Hutch’s butterflies introducing themselves to the ones in his own stomach. He heard Hutch clear his throat, "Hope he doesn’t mind my stalling, he always liked this one…"
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
Your Song, Elton John, 1970
Starsky was holding his hand to his face, his fingers across his nose and mouth. Leaning his elbow on his knee, he was holding back tears. A quiet moment passed, and then in a raspy voice, he heard his partner say, "This is for you, Starsk". An original tune generated, as Hutch hummed the melody. Starsky drew in a long breath:
In my thoughts, you are all I can believe,
In my heart, not far, from all I’ll ever need,
And in every song, the words call out your name,
My soul sings to the tune of your acclaim
Beside you daily, I am yours to trust,
At night, my dreams ask for what is just,
And in all I long, in musings, it’s the same,
To make you mine is all of what remains
No hiding what your love has done to me,
For you, partner, are all I’ll ever need.
Come to me soon, as quick as time allows
And share the harmony of what’s between us now.
In every song, you’re all I can acclaim,
The inner music of my spirit calls your name.
Inner Music, Hutch, 1977.
The chorus was repeated as an instrumental as Hutch’s voice had cracked. Starsky knew he had to enter now. He tried the unlocked doorknob and walked in. Hutch never looked up, and continued playing.
Maybe they both knew they were only a door frame apart. It had always been that way. Starsky walked slowly to the new couch, and sat on the trunk in front of it. Hutch gave the last few repeated strums a final brush. His eyes met Starsky’s smile. Hutch trembled to his core.
"Starsk." Hutch clutched his prize.
"You like it."
"I-I don’t have words yet." His voice caught.
"I heard them anyway."
It was dead quiet. What had been heard? What had they known? What was not clear? Hutch wasn’t sure, but didn’t care anymore. He moved the guitar to the left. He reached out with the right. He fell forward on his knees and clenched himself to Starsky’s waist, choked, his head tucked, nuzzled to the fur of Starsky’s chest like a silky hair-shirt.
Starsky stroked the blond strands and cuddled the love of his life.
He spoke softly. "Your song, Babe. It’s us." He felt Hutch shivering, nodding into his passionate caress. "Our inside music, Hutch. It’s been playing in the background way too long."
Conjointly, their euphony had now arrived.
~FINIS~
NOTES:
All lyric excerpts above are the property of the original artists.
The lyrics for "Inner Music" are created by Vedette Ciel.
Artist Larry Carlton began his career in So. California, and is known for collaborating the TV theme for "Hill Street Blues". Visit Larry Carlton’s music at: http://www.larrycarlton.com/music.html